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Spandy- Be A Man

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Be A Man

Summary: When Patrick abandons SpongeBob for a religious cult, Sandy decides to stay and help him climb Mt. Humongous. But tensions rise when the debate on what a man truly is bubbles to the surface.
Rated: T for Teen; 13+
Characters: Patrick, SpongeBob, Sandy
Pairing(s): Spandy, slight PatBob
Genre: Romance/ Drama
Word Count: 7, 947




Earlier that day he had been at Sandy’s, or what she called the ‘’Treedome’’, which was, as its name suggested, a tree from land inside a snow globe-like structure. She invited him over to test her jet-pack that she demonstrated that morning, which only malfunctioned slightly seeing as it was still a prototype, before the news of the coming eruption broke all over town. SpongeBob wanted to see if it would be sturdy enough to transport two people—only two for now, because Sandy had refused his offer to join his team, but he decided to use the opportunity during the test to ask her again.

‘’SpongeBob,’’ she said, rolling her eyes, ‘’I already gave you my answer. I best be gone from here faster than ya’ll can say, ‘STERACORNTOBIA’!’’ She yelled the last word so loud SpongeBob jumped and fell backwards.

‘’What kind of word is that?’’ he asked.

‘’It isn’t,’’ she giggled. ‘’I made it up.’’

‘’What’s it mean?’’

‘’Fear of eatin’ sweet corn,’’ she said, pulling him up to his feet and turning him around so she could secure the rocket on his back. He had to smile to himself. He didn’t know where she got all her ideas, but she was strange like that.

‘’Sandy, we can’t do it without you,’’ SpongeBob went on. ‘’Pat and I wouldn’t get two feet up that mountain without pulling a muscle or...well, you know Patrick, he’ll probably forget to wear underwear.’’

Though she was frowning, her eyes were smiling. He always found a way to make her smile and sure enough, she could hold it in no longer. But she caught herself and forced her lips down. ‘’SpongeBob, I said no. Y’know it’ll just make things worse. Besides, I wish you boys luck and though I can stand here and try to talk you out of it—‘’

‘’Don’t—‘’ he said, holding up a hand to stop her. ‘’I’ve already made up my mind. Even if I die trying.’’

Just then, she got a glassy look in her eyes. ‘’I know.’’

He smiled at her and gently held her hands. ‘’Don’t worry about us, Sandy.’’

She pulled her hands free, putting them behind her instead. ‘’I was fixin’ to go with ya but I just can’t. There’s a mob out there wants me outta town. I ain’t want no trouble, so I might oughta need to push on. ‘Bout time anyway.’’

He moved to grab her hands again, ‘’If you come with us—‘’

But again, she snatched her hands back. ‘’No.’’ She was firmer this time. He didn’t want to give up but Sandy was stubborn as a mule.

‘First thing a man ought to learn in life,’ he thought, ‘Is not to get near no woman of color first thing in the morning. They all some eeeevil people this time of day.’ He meant it as a joke, of course. He read it somewhere in a black play on Sandy’s shelf. Something about raisins. But he would never say this out loud to her. For one, he never saw the color of Sandy’s skin. Half the time he never even thought of her as a girl. He only saw her as a human being, but if he told her this, she’d call him ‘’colorblind’’ and that being black, and a woman, was what made her who she was. There were a lot of things he didn’t know.

Without another word, she grabbed her notebook to jot something down and without looking up she said, ‘’How much do ya’ll suppose Patrick weighs?’’

‘’Why?’’

‘’He’s goin’ with you, right? I need to know so I can add the exact weight to you and see if this baby’ll fly. If not, I can design two—‘’

‘’We don’t have time,’’ he cut her off. ‘’We’ll have to make do with this or find another way if it doesn’t work.’’

She chewed on the eraser of her pencil, thoughtfully. SpongeBob couldn’t help but stare at her intently. She looked kind of pretty when she got all smart. He quickly caught himself gaping at her, blushed, and turned away. ‘’Okay, well,’’ she said, ‘’I’m 165, and you’re about...‘’

He flushed brighter. If Sandy, a woman, he might add, was stronger and bigger than him, he definitely didn’t want to tell her. He was always insecure over the fact that he was slight of build and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get bigger than what he was. He could never tell Patrick this, of course, in fear of making him feel bad. Patrick, whom he knew pretended to be content with himself but secretly envied SpongeBob’s athletic body. Just a pair they were: SpongeBob longed to put on the weight Patrick couldn’t lose. Both of them wanted what the other had, but neither of them could change it. ‘’Well,’’ he boasted in false confidence, ‘’If you must know I gained seven pounds in the last two—‘’

‘’Just tell me.’’

‘’162,’’ he lied. He would’ve said 166 but he wasn’t tall enough.  

Sandy raised an eyebrow at him. ‘’I don’t believe you,’’ she said. ‘’That’s an awfully large frame for your height. And don’t you dare tell me you’re taller than five-foot-six, neither. I got eyes.’’

‘’Well, I might’ve lost a bit since my last weigh in,’’ and he nervously rubbed his arm.

‘’SpongeBob, this isn’t a competition to see who’s more ‘ripped’ or whatever you men obsess about. This has gotta be as accurate as possible for this experiment to work. So stop giving me the fake numbers, and just tell me how much you weigh. I ain’t gonna judge you.’’

He couldn’t argue against that tone. ‘’152,’’ he squeaked out, and braced himself for the inevitable taunts.

She gave him a perplexing look but she didn’t say anything for the longest time. She took one look at him, head to toe. Finally, a small smile crept onto her lips. ‘’Really? Only 152? My you are li—‘’

‘’Just kidding, I think I’m about 155 now.’’

She snorted at this. ‘’Well, that ain’t much bigger.’’

‘’I thought you weren’t gonna say anything about it!’’ and he put his hands over his ears which he felt were glowing from humiliation.

‘’Come now, I know some famous World Flyweight Boxing Champions who’ere about your height and size. They may be small, but they got pretty toned bodies and they’re tough as bulls.’’

‘’Is that supposed to make me feel better?’’

She patted him on the back. ‘’When since did you have a Napoleon complex? Leave that to Plankton.’’

‘’I don’t, but—‘’

‘’I’m only joshin’ with you, calm your tits, ma’am.’’

‘’And Patrick?’’ he hurried on, not wanting to dwell on the insults to his masculinity, whether she was only teasing or not.

‘’Got a guess?’’

‘’I don’t wanna insult him, but...’’

‘’SpongeBob, like I said, it ain’t about that, this is crucial information.’’

‘’Says the man busting my balls.’’

‘’Who’ere you callin’ a man?’’

‘’You, sir,’’ he said, smirking.

‘’C’mon, just ‘cause I joked around ‘bout your weight little. I didn’t mean nothin’ by it. Just eat more carbs, that’s all. You’ll put on weight in no time.’’

‘’Sandy,’’ he said, serious this time, ‘’I’ve been eating a Krabby Patty with jellyfish jelly every day for lunch for the past two months or so. Surely, I’m eating plenty of carbs, with a nice helping of sugar.’’

‘’What do ya’ll have for breakfast and dinner?’’

‘’Same thing.’’

‘’Really? Well, are you only eatin’ three meals a day?’’

‘’When I work, yeah, but on my days off I graze. I can’t when I’m working, you know. Mr. Krabs only allows one fifteen minute break a day.’’

‘’Yeah, that’s the trouble with that man,’’ she mumbled. ‘’What you graze on?’’

‘’What are you, my doctor?’’ he joked.

‘’Somebody’s gotta keep you in shape.’’

‘’Kelp chips.’’

‘’Maybe you should try something with more fat. Or sugar. Like Twinkies.’’

‘’I can eat a dozen Twix bars on Wonder Bread and still not gain nearly enough. I guess I just have fast metabolism,’’ he complained. ‘’I mean, I even followed Patrick’s diet for a week and it didn’t do jack for me. But he gained five pounds in two days. I don’t get it, ‘cause we had the same portions and whatever, and did the same physical activities.’’

‘’Then stop a-runnin’ ‘round so much,’’ she giggled. ‘’Problem is, you’re too high strung. You’re prob’ly burning more calories than you’re eatin’. Look, when I’m storin’ fat for the winter, I just sit on my ass and watch T.V. all day like Patrick. Soon enough, you pack on pounds if you’re eatin’ more than you should when you’re not moving so much. Couch potato workout. Still the best method.’’

‘’I don’t wanna get...fat....I just wanna gain some body mass.’’ He didn’t mean nothing against Patrick when he said that.

‘’Stop a-bitchin’, at least you’re bigger and more,’’ here she lowered her voice, ‘’Manly than Squidward.’’ In her regular voice she added, ‘’That man’s so thin I can knock him over with my thumb, I reckon.’’

‘’Don’t beat up Squid, he’s just super tall,’’ he cried. ‘’I think he’s quote unquote ‘manly’. You haven’t seen him dance, man, he’s strong for his age.’’

‘’He’s out of shape for his age and he ain’t even old. I can’t imagine how much he’s gonna injure himself at Krabs’ age. I think your boss man’s in better shape than he is.’’

Oh, now she was going to drag poor Mr. Krabs into this, too? ‘’Yeah, I agree, Mr. Krabs looks great! But Squidward’s not out of shape, he’s still got it.’’

‘’He’s dainty. He throws out his back out all the time. How many times has he been to the chiropractor this week?’’

‘’He does not! He just works hard. Even star athletes injure themselves, doesn’t mean he’s fragile.’’

‘’SpongeBob, you can probably carry him with the arms you got on you. He couldn’t lift you without gettin’ a Charley Horse or dislocating his shoulder or somethin’. And I bet your sweet hot cross buns you’re half his weight.’’

He frowned. He didn’t care if she was joking anymore. She had no right to go off and compare who was more ‘’macho’’, especially not his friends. ‘’You’re way outta line, Sandra Jennifer Cheeks.’’ He only said her full name when he wanted her to know she better quit while she was ahead.

‘’You take this way too seriously,’’ she said with a wave of her hand. ‘’All you men care about is how fast ya’ll can build a six pack, it’s ridiculous.’’

‘’I don’t care how many abs I got, all I said was that I wanted to gain some weight, what’s the harm in that?’’

‘’But you’re already strong. If you get bigger than 155, you’re gonna explode. Just look at Larry. He’s so ripped he can barely move. You don’t wanna be like that do ya? I mean, at least you’re healthy and flexible and that’s better than lookin’ like a walkin’ Greek Adonis beefcake.’’

‘’I didn’t say I wanted to be, like, 170 or whatever, ‘cause that’s too large even for me. But my goal is to get up to at least 165. It’s not that I wanna be like Larry, but...I’m a little underweight. I should be 162 according to Dr. Gill Gilliam.’’

‘’I don’t know what to tell ya, SpongeBob. Everyone’s different. Drop those five dance classes you’re taking with Squidward and work out five days a week for one hour instead of every day for two hours. If you’re metabolism’s that fast, you’re probably burning too much fat. Laze around on the weekends. Okie dokie, stud? Give your body a rest, MuscleBob BuffPants.’’

He moaned. ‘’Clearly, you think you’re more man than me.’’

‘’I do not!’’ she laughed, shoving him. ‘’Look here, size got’s nothin’ to do with it. So what if I’m a little bigger than you? Makes you no more or less a man. I mean, ya’ll can’t help your genes, and neither can Patrick, so speaking of which, you got a clue or what?’’

SpongeBob shrugged. ‘’200? Maybe?’’

‘’Probably more than that.’’

‘’No, he’s not,’’ SpongeBob defended. ‘’He’s not that...big.’’

‘’It doesn’t matter, SpongeBob, I don’t care about that,’’ she told him again, but no matter how much she reminded him it was necessary facts, he felt wrong discussing Patrick’s weight behind his back. He neither noticed or cared. ‘’Why didn’t he come with you today anyway? Would’ve been easier than guessing. If I don’t have his exact weight, it ain’t gonna work.’’

‘’He said he had to pack or something,’’ he explained. ‘’I told him to wait but he said just in case and so I told him to wait for me in Jellyfish Fields when things looked bad.’’

‘’Are you out of your patty flippin’ mind?’’ She scolded. ‘’SpongeBob, it’s an undersea dust bowl out there!’’

‘’Sandy, we always meet there. It’s fine.’’

‘’The world’s turning upside down.’’

He frowned at this. ‘’Don’t remind me.’’

As if on cue, they were interrupted by a volcanic tremor. They felt the ground violently shake beneath them. Some stuff on Sandy’s shelves fell over but not too much damage was done. Sandy patiently waited for the tremor to pass before resuming the conversation. When all seemed clear, she sighed and finished scribbling down calculations. ‘’I’m gonna say at least 260.’’

‘’That’s too much. Pat lost some, I can tell you that. We went to the beach a month ago and his trunks didn’t quite fit right. I mean, they were kinda big on him.’’

‘’But that was a month ago. He could have lost or gained since then. I can tell ya that, ‘cause I was ‘bout 170 a month ago.’’

‘’Really? But you’ve never been—‘’

‘’I was slacking off a little in my exercise, I admit. But then I cut back on the popcorn. It’s my jam, y’know.’’ SpongeBob tried not to smile at this but he couldn’t help it. It didn’t matter whether she was 165 or 170 to him, she’d always be a well-built voluptuous beauty. ‘’What’s that look for?’’ she teased.

‘’Nothin’.’’ And he wiped the smile off his face, or at least tried to. ‘’I’m gonna fight you on this.’’

‘’Typical man,’’ she rolled her eyes, but not without a grin.

‘’You know you enjoy healthy competition as much as the next guy.’’

‘’You’re on, son.’’ She cracked her knuckles. ‘’260, take it or leave it.’’

‘’251.’’

‘’252.’’

‘’240.’’

‘’245.’’

‘’220.’’

‘’Naaaaah,’’ Sandy scoffed. ‘’No offense to Patrick, but that’s too small even for him.’’

‘’246, then.’’

‘’247.’’

‘’248.’’

‘’249.’’

‘’250.’’

‘’250, is that your final bid?’’

‘’Yes,’’ said SpongeBob. ‘’Wait, I mean, no!’’

‘’250, going once!’’

‘’No wait!’’

‘’250, going twice!’’

‘’I changed my mind,’’ he pleaded, but she ignored him.

‘’Going going: sold to the gentleman in plaid.’’

SpongeBob glared at her. ‘’You tricked me.’’

‘’Too bad. 250 it is, and 250 it stays. I just hope this works.’’ She crossed over to the other side of her Treedome where she had a stack of suitcases lined up in a row next to a weight scale. ‘’So I’m gonna have to add some weight to myself so I’m about Patrick’s size,’’ and he watched her fasten two suitcases full of clothes strapped onto a harness around her body, one in the front and one in the back. SpongeBob had to fight the giggles. She looked ridiculous in her armor of baggage. She stepped onto the scale, slowly, and for a moment, SpongeBob feared she would break it due to how cumbersome she looked. She probably weighed more than 250. She might as well have tied two seven ton boulders to her, because she could barely walk. Patrick wasn’t even that heavy.  

‘’How much?’’ he asked her, biting his tongue to force down a laugh.

‘’Just about. No wait. Hah! Just kidding. 250 it says. On the mark.’’ She stepped off the scale and tried to come over to him, which was a great effort for her. Judging by how slow she was moving, she wouldn’t make it back to the other side some time today. They already wasted so much time discussing trivial matters and they didn’t have more time to waste so SpongeBob came over to her instead. The rocket on his back didn’t weigh that much anyhow.

‘’Hold on, Sandy, just stay there.’’ When he reached her, she awkwardly wrapped her arms around his waist, as much as she could anyway, what with the suitcase on her front side putting some distance between them. He tried to hold onto her but he could barely wrap his arms around the suitcase on her back, so he gripped her around the shoulders instead. ‘’Couldn’t you make this thing with an additional belt?’’ he asked.

‘’No time, wasn’t that what you said? If ya boys need it tomorrow and I’m heading off first thing in the mornin’, it just ain’t convenient. I don’t count on stayin’ up all night messin’ around with that rocket makin’ adjustments. Pat’s gonna have to wear it and you’ll have to hang onto him. That’s all I can say. Don’t like it? Tough.’’ He didn’t say anything more about the rocket’s design after that. She always had the final say. She was no nonsense, but that’s what he liked about her.

Without another word, she started the rocket and without warning, it erected straight into the air. SpongeBob let out a scream and braced himself, accidentally digging his nails into Sandy’s shoulders. He thought they would crash into the ceiling, but Sandy maneuvered the rocket in such a way that it just barely scraped her roof. But as they fell away from the top of the glass ceiling, they headed for her tree.

‘’Sandy!’’

‘’I see it, hold on!’’ They plummeted towards the top of the tree, brushing the leaves as they skidded over it, but as they did so, a lone branch that protruded from the top snagged one of the fuel tanks, causing a black mushroom cloud to obscure their vision. They couldn’t see where they were flying. They both screamed, feeling the sky fall under them. The rocket had lost control. Holding onto each other for dear life, SpongeBob gritted his teeth, expecting to feel the ground beneath him at any moment, but instead he felt his backside grind against something rough and he realized he had slid down the trunk of the tree, Sandy now in his arms. He landed so hard on a tree branch, he feared he might’ve fractured his pelvic bone. Sandy fell on top of him with a loud thud, and because she was carrying extra weight, she accidentally crushed him more than she intended to. When he opened his eyes—he didn’t remember closing them—Sandy was straddled in his lap, covered in black exhaust fumes. It was all over her skin, her hair, and even her usually pure white romper. He let out a laugh in spite of himself and tried to wipe her face, only realizing his hands and arms were also covered in exhaust.

‘’You’re all black,’’ she snickered.

‘’So are you.’’ He pointed out.

‘’Well, that experiment was a failure,’’ she said and tried to awkwardly climb off his lap but there was nowhere for her to go. He helped her untie the suitcases and they both watched them fall to the ground with a clunk. Now that the suitcases weren’t pushing them apart, Sandy was able to wrap her arms more tightly around him, which she did to keep herself from falling off the branch. SpongeBob instinctively held her, and they clumsily rubbed their bodies closer together without meaning to. Sandy let out a disappointed sigh about her experiment and rested her head between his cheek and collarbone. He could do nothing but comfort her. SpongeBob didn’t mind so much that she smelled like diesel fuel. It was somewhat peaceful, being up in that tree with her. He wish they could stay up in that tree holding each other all day. He didn’t want her to go back to Texas. He’d follow her to the ends of the Earth if he could. Sadly, he wrapped his arms tighter around her, holding her so close he could feel her heart beating against his chest. He never wanted to let her go. It was a nice feeling. She was so warm and soft, and he buried his nose in her hair—that hair he loved so much, always adorned with a freshly cut sweet-smelling flower. Her poor flower was now shriveled into a brown crisp, but it didn’t make her any less beautiful. He felt her shift her weight on his lap, trying to find a more comfortable position to sit on him and in doing so, she wrapped one leg around his waist. ‘’Sorry if I’m heavy,’’ she apologized.

‘’Girl, you weigh as much as four pillows, it’s cool.’’ In truth, he wished she could sit on him all day. To him, she didn’t weigh as much as she said she did, but he relished the touch of her hard body against his all the same. He tried to keep his arms around her shoulders, but he desperately wanted to cradle her curves. He grew brave enough to rub his hands over the muscles in her back but that was as far as he would go. He didn’t want her to know that this was the first time he took real notice of her femininity. ‘Whoa, get a grip,’ he told himself. ‘It’s just Sandy.’ Perhaps it was the first time he realized their clear differences, differences he always ignored: Indeed, he was a man, and she was a woman. He was glad she couldn’t see him blushing underneath the black soot on his skin. He couldn’t believe himself, thinking about a pretty girl in his arms at a time like this. Maybe Sandy was right. All men were the same, and he felt a little ashamed of himself.  

‘’Sorry about the rocket,’’ she said softly into his shoulder after a long comfortable silence.

He shook his head. ‘’Thanks for helping anyway.’’

‘’I guess it just wasn’t meant to fly.’’ She lifted her face from him.

‘’We’ll climb the mountain instead, no biggie,’’ he assured her, trying to remain as optimistic as possible. Though he secretly felt a tad disappointed that the rocket hadn’t worked, Sandy was sabotaging herself so much over it that he had to make sure she didn’t think she had let him down. She really hadn’t. ‘’I could gain some weight anyhow and Patrick...well...he could probably lose a couple pounds.’’ She let out a sad laugh and tweaked his nose. ‘’Say,’’ he remarked after a thought, ‘’What’s Patrick gonna say when he sees me like this? I don’t want him to know that the jet-pack failed.’’

She shrugged with a smile. ‘’Tell him you and Squidward quit your jobs and joined a band of tap dancing chimney sweepers.’’

He blinked at her, twice, before letting out a long, hearty laugh. When he was through, he wiped a tear away and said, ‘’I don’t get it.’’




*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *





After he left the Treedome, his smile melted into a frown. On the surface, he wore a cheerful mask in front of his friends, but deep down he often worried about things he couldn’t speak about. He never wanted anyone to see him like that. So as long as he could pretend he was fine no one would ever know. He especially didn’t want Sandy to see how upset he was that she would be leaving tomorrow. He wish he could embrace her until the morning sun rose, but he knew there was no time to wallow in sorrow. Maybe if he stopped that volcano, she would come home and everything would go back to the way it was.

He turned down the road towards the direction of the Krusty Krab. First, he’d find Squidward and let him in on the chimney joke. Though Sandy clearly wasn’t being serious, it wasn’t a half bad idea, in case anyone asked. He thought it would help if Squidward were his alibi. He couldn’t forget when he relayed to the town about his plan in stopping Mt. Humongous, only for them to dismiss him as ‘’just a simple sponge’’. The last thing he needed right now was for anyone to find out he was going to use Sandy’s jet-pack to fly to the top. They’d think that was stupid, too. If they knew it broke down, then they’d really laugh him out of town and he’d never be able to show his face again. Yes, that’s what he’d do. In case anyone caught sight of him coated in the rocket’s smog (which would undoubtedly make for good gossip, that he knew traveled mighty fast in a small ‘’two bit patty-fed town’’ such as this, as Squidward once put it), at least he’d have Squidward to back him up. He could see it all now:

‘’Hey, did you see SpongeBob on the way to the Krusty Krab?’’

‘’Why no, I didn’t. What’s he up to now?’’

‘’He was smeared in what looked like grime as though he’d been bathing in dirt.’’

‘’Welp, what d’ya know? The simple sponge’s at it again. He probably got it into his head that he’d get that redneck squirrel to invent a Time Machine or somethin’ to go back in the past and stop that mountain from erupting in the present, or something stupid like that, and it blew up on him!’’

But before the citizens could laugh at him, Squidward would jump to his rescue and say, ‘’I call bullshit on that theory! He was sweeping chimneys with me!’’

And if they asked why he wasn’t all black like SpongeBob, he would say he hit the showers before work. And if they inquired why the hell they decided to sweep chimneys at such a time, he would say they quit because the Krusty Krab’s unfair, and Mr. Krabs was working them twice as hard for twice as little while taking advantage of the customers during the crisis, and if it meant the end of the world, they had every right not to work for Mr. Krabs anymore. Who was to stop them? They’d all be dead tomorrow anyway. Besides, chimney sweepers were in demand now, what with volcanic ash flowing down into people’s homes, and it paid good. Well, just enough to get a train ticket out of town, times being what they are, hard, and getting harder all the time.


...Or something like that, Squidward could fill in the blanks. Hopefully he wouldn’t ask too many questions and play along. Afterwards, he’d meet Patrick in Jellyfish Fields as planned.




*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *





‘’Let go of my hand!’’ Patrick screamed at him. ‘’You’ve said what you had to say, so leave me now! Free yourself at the same time, leave. And you’ll no longer be around to disappoint me, I can do that myself. Now if you don’t mind, leave. Leave!’’

SpongeBob was on his stomach, in the dust, his hands wrapped around Patrick’s pudgy ankles after Patrick had ripped his hand from his, and the other dragged him like that around town. They had gotten into a stupid argument yesterday in Jellyfish Fields but quickly kissed and made up (quite literally, too). Today brought on new troubles. After SpongeBob left the Krusty Krab (where he had gotten into another stupid shouting match with Squidward), some religious cult out of Neptune knows where started praising Patrick as their ‘’guru’’. SpongeBob begged him not to go but he wouldn’t listen. One moment he and Patrick had been walking hand-in-hand towards Mt. Humongous to stop it from erupting that night, and the next moment a crowd of sardines wearing pink in an obvious nod to Patrick had swept his best friend away. First Sandy, then Squidward, now Patrick...SpongeBob didn’t know what was happening. All his friends were leaving him. Finally, he had to let go of Patrick and watched him walk off with his new followers, who regarded him as their wise, fierce doomsday savior only because Patrick said something they thought was ‘’deep’’ the other day. Just his luck, and of all times, too. SpongeBob sat up and dusted himself off. His knees were scraped, his vest ripped and torn to shreds. The last thing he saw of Patrick was those ugly yet beautiful chapped lips of his. No, he wouldn’t cry. SpongeBob had to try to find something to be glad about to stop the tears but what could he possibly be glad about at a time like this? Everything that could possibly go wrong was going wrong. The rocket failed, Patrick thought SpongeBob didn’t respect him enough and traded him for a bunch of strangers who clearly did, Squidward had disproved of his happiness with Patrick, Sandy was on her way back to Texas right now... and if he didn’t start hauling ass to the top of the mountain, the town he loved (and the people inhabiting it) would all be gone.

‘’SpongeBob.’’ He thought he heard Sandy’s voice. He didn’t turn to look, it was probably all in his head anyway. She was probably halfway home by now. ‘’SpongeBob,’’ the voice said again. No, she’s not here. Go away. ‘’SpongeBob! Turn around!’’

At last he turned around. All be damned. ‘’Sandy?’’

‘’SpongeBob, I came back for you.’’ Sure enough, there she was, running towards him with her arms outstretched.

Still on his knees, he raised his body slightly to receive her. ‘’Sandy, thank Neptune--!’’

Giddily, she jumped into his arms with a big smile and they embraced like they never had before. If the situation hadn’t been so dire, it would have been romantic. He was never more happy to see her. Good, not all his friends were leaving him. ‘’Patrick’s gone—‘’ he choked through tears that he tried to fight back with all his strength.

‘’I know, sssshhh,’’ she said, smoothing down his hair. ‘’I saw what happened.’’

‘’I can’t do it alone...I can’t go on without him, Sandy. I need him.’’ He finally let his tears flow freely down his cheeks.

She took him by the shoulders then and made him look her in the eye. ‘’Hey, shut up. You ain’t goin’ alone. I’m fixin’ to go with you.’’

He smiled weakly at her. He missed her discipline. ‘’You came back.’’

‘’I got on the bus this morning and then I was havin’ doubts, see? Doubt sets in and that’s the end of it. I knew I couldn’t leave just yet, in case something bad happened. So I got off the bus and I turned around and sure enough. Dang, boy, where would you be without me?’’ Though her voice was stern, her eyes, too, had welled up, and she hugged him again, squeezing him tighter. ‘’Oh God, I’m so glad I listened to my intuition. I couldn’t leave you, SpongeBob. Not now.’’ She dried his tears and helped him to his feet. ‘’Come on, we can’t waste no more time on tears. Are you a man, or what?’’

He sniffed, then said with a sad smile, ‘’I’m a man.’’

‘’And what do men do?’’

‘’Men don’t cry.’’

‘’Because?’’

‘’We’re stronger than that.’’

‘’Why?’’

‘’Because we need emotional content, not sadness or anger. Mind over body. Every time.’’

‘’Damn straight. Bruce Lee, ya’ll. And you best remember it, too.’’ She grabbed his arm and pulled him along with her. ‘’Let’s go. We got a mountain to climb. Or as Squidward so beautifully puts it: On the Devil!’’

‘’On the Devil?’’ he questioned.

‘’In British slang, I guess that means: ‘Round it up, partner, yee-haw’!’’




*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *





They were halfway to the top of the mountain when SpongeBob had to stop and rest. His clothes were filthy and more torn now than they were when Patrick dragged him on the ground behind him. He lost a shoe on the way up, and the closer they got to the mouth of the killer mountain the hotter it became. Sandy wanted to be strong and keep going but she, too, was grungy and banged up (although even at her worst, she still looked her best). Her white romper was completely stained with brown volcanic dirt, and the soles of one of her Supra Skytops had been eaten away so that she dragged around a bloody foot along the sharp rocks. SpongeBob tried to offer to carry her on his back but she refused, as usual. ‘’Ya’ll can’t carry me anyway,’’ she retorted, out of breath. ‘’I’m too heavy for you.’’

‘’No,’’ he said, gasping for air, ‘’You’re not.’’ He grabbed her arm, and draped it around his neck, trying to at least get her to lean on him, but she shoved him off of her. She wouldn’t be some damsel in distress, and she continued climbing onward, limping on her bad foot. He watched her go. Why couldn’t she just let him help her? He sat down on a nearby rock, wiping the sweat from his brow, and tried to catch his breath.

‘’Be a man, SpongeBob, come on!’’ If she said that one more time today, there was no telling what he’d do. He angrily got up and charged after her. They climbed up further but the mountain was getting steeper. They had to crawl up the hill on all fours. He slid down a slope, digging his nails into the earth to steady himself, but four of his nails on one hand broke and he felt himself fall backwards. Sandy reached out and yanked him up by his shirts. Once he was able to dig his toes into the rock, she shoved him up ahead of her.

‘’Keep going, SpongeBob, we’re almost there! I’m right behind you!’’

He tried to climb up the hill as fast as he could, but his arms felt so weak, and his legs were screaming from the pain. They hadn’t stopped. But every time he slowed down, he felt Sandy pushing him from behind, urging him further and further up. ‘’Sandy, please,’’ he begged. ‘’I just gotta—‘’

‘’You sit your skinny bum down for one lousy minute and that town below us is all gonna be in flames on the account of your negligence! Is that what you wannna happen? Huh? There’s no time to rest! Mind over, body, SpongeBob, remember what I said! Don’t feel the pain, don’t concentrate on it! Just keep going!’’ He didn’t know how things would have turned out had Patrick come with him instead. Maybe Patrick would have let him give up. He wouldn’t have been mentally strong enough like Sandy, perhaps. But though he admired Sandy’s strength, he wasn’t so sure he cherished the idea of this woman barking so-called motivation at him. ‘’SpongeBob,’’ she yelled, realizing he hadn’t budged, and she jabbed him, hard. ‘’Move your ass!’’

‘’ENOUGH!’’ He didn’t mean to lose his temper but he couldn’t tolerate another minute of this broad screaming at him to be a ‘’man’’ anymore. ‘’I am a man, Sandy! But sheesh, I gotta breathe once in awhile! That isn’t weak, it’s human! I can only push my body so much, you know, I’m not a machine, and neither are you! Don’t act like you aren’t tired out ‘cause I see you sweating like a pig, like me! You can pretend all you want, but you’re not nothing special either! Heck, you don’t even know the first thing about being a man, and yet you have the nerve to tell me what it is and isn’t! I’m not weak, okay? I’m tired!’’

She quieted down a little, but he wouldn’t cow her. ‘’I’m tired, too, I never said I wasn’t, hell, I reckon I’m sleepy as the Devil, but you don’t see me complainin’! Who’s idea was this anyhow? SpongeBob, if you’re serious, keep a-climbin’! If you ya’ll just wanna call quits, then just go home. But ya gotta decide now!’’

He stared at her with smouldering eyes and so much anger, he felt the blood in his veins flaring hotter than the lava of Mt. Humongous itself. He never knew what it felt like to want to kill someone but right now he wanted nothing more than to throw her off the mountain. Maybe he’d throw himself after her while he was at it. What difference did it make now?  He tried to stop himself, and think of happy thoughts, be glad about something, but it was no use. He was blinded by rage, and nothing would make him see sense now. ‘’Sandy,’’ he said. Alright, he wouldn’t throw her to her death. But he knew what he would do. Only he knew her greatest weakness. ‘’Sandy, you’re just a girl.’’ He couldn’t believe what he was saying, but by the time the words were out of his mouth, he couldn’t stop himself. It was too late. ‘’You’re just a stupid...girl, and...and you don’t know anything,’’ he finished. Immediately, he regretted those words. It was as though someone had possessed him and was speaking through him, speaking words he would never say, words which were not his own, words which he never regarded as true. He never thought women were beneath him—no, he thought of Sandy as his equal—so he didn’t know why he said it. If he had been in a different state of mind, he would have never done anything so much as to hurt this amazing woman he loved very dearly. He watched her face go from anger to fear, and the strength seemed to drain from her body like her very life itself. She stared at him, mouth agape. It wasn’t some playground insult. To her, it was an attack on her identity, everything that she was, everything she based her value and pride on, and he knew this before he saw the tears in her eyes.

‘’So you finally got it said,’’ she whispered in a low voice. ‘’It took ya this long but you finally got it said.’’ She hated crying, especially in front of others, and so she turned her back to him.

‘’Sandy,’’ he said, finally coming to his senses, ‘’Sandy, I didn’t mean it.’’ He reached out a hand to touch her but she only shrunk away from him.

‘’No,’’ she said in a small voice, hunching her shoulders as though she had suddenly become a frightened ten-year-old-girl. ‘’You’re right. I am just a girl. So everyone back home kept remindin’ me. Girls don’t ever amount to anything back home, y’know. ‘Specially not girls of color. Get married and have kids. Be a housewife. That’s it. No, but I wanted more than that. I wanted to go to school and get a degree and be somebody...and they say, ‘See there, that just goes to show you what women understand ‘bout the world. You just a stupid girl, an’ you don’t know nothin’. Who the hell told you ya’ll had to be a scientist? And messing around with that Jap stuff? You’s black, not yellow. If you so crazy ‘bout messing ‘round with chemistry and kruddy —then go be a nurse’s aide or clean houses like other women—or just get married and be quiet. But you a girl and you is black and you ain’t gonna be nothin’ more than some rich white folk’s maid.’ Yup, is what they say. Never mind that Mom’s white. Poor white trash is what she is when she met my father and still poor white trash now, only married to a black man. My old man wanted a boy. A girl just wasn’t good enough for him. I wasn’t the girl Mom wanted. I was too...I just...wasn’t good enough for either of ‘em. Not man enough for Pa and not woman enough for Mom. Sometimes I wish I was...sometimes I lay awake at night hopin’ I’d wake up as somebody else, or wishin’ to God I was never born at all. Why do ya’ll think I came here, SpongeBob? Just to study all of you’s? Yeah, I did, but I was a-runnin’ away, too. I couldn’t take no more of it...all that old-fashioned misogyny, and all. I had to find the modern world where women of all colors were accepted and can be somebody. And things here were fine for awhile but y’know I never truly belonged. I was just some alien on another planet, is how it feels. And no one wants me around. I ain’t never belonged back in Texas, and I ain’t never belonged here. Now I’m thinkin’ I should’ve stayed on that bus after all...went somewhere far, far away where no one could find me.’’

He listened to her speech, quietly. This was the first time he had known any of this, and his heart went out to her. He openly wept for her, and he could strangle himself for saying what he did. He didn’t want to sound like those other people who put her down. He wanted her to know he didn’t mean it, that it was just a stupid remark out of pure anger. He knew what it was like to be discriminated against due to his status. People called him a ‘’simple sponge’’ and told him he could never be more than a kitchen boy. He supposed it was all the same. ‘’No, don’t say that,’’ he said, coming forward. ‘’Sandy, don’t you dare say that.’’ He tried to touch her again, but she flinched.

Finally, she added, her back still to him, ‘’Do ya’ll know how hard it is for me, SpongeBob? Not just being a land creature livin’ down here among all you marine animals, but...being a woman...and being a black woman? Do ya’ll know ‘bout that?’’

He shook his head. ‘’I won’t pretend to know what that’s like, Sandy. I...don’t know about that. I don’t know anything.’’

‘’Oh, it’s not that you don’t know nothin’, it’s just...you ain’t in my shoes, is all. So how can you possibly know? And I don’t ‘spect ya to understand. When you ain’t livin’ that life, on the other side of things, when you ain’t the dominant group, or privileged, when you’re the outsider...I mean, how can ya possibly know ‘bout it? I can try to stand here and educate you and you’ll learn a thing or two, and you’ll be an ally, I reckon, but I don’t know if you’ll ever know what’s it really like and that ain’t your fault. God made us who we are for a reason, I ‘spose. At least that’s what I told myself when I used to believe in a God. He’s dead to me now. Ain’t nothin’ in this world but science, and I just happened to get stuck with a white mother and a black father, that wasn’t God’s plan. You take a mixed race couple and the offspring could be anything...well, I’m dark-skinned because of genetics, has nothing to do with God. ‘Course, women of all colors have a universal oppression...my Mom can tell you that. It’s just a tad harder when you’re a woman of color, is all. Not that I ain’t proud. No, I’m very proud of who I am in spite of everything. Do you know what I mean?’’

He didn’t. ‘’But I can listen and I can sympathize,’’ he proclaimed.

She turned to face him, ever so slightly, looking back at him at the corner of her eye. ‘’I don’t need sympathy, SpongeBob. But...thank you for listenin’ anyhow.’’

He wish he could offer her more. He didn’t know so much about oppression and the challenges the oppressed faced, but he did know of Civil Rights and Women’s Rights. He remembered in school how he learned women didn’t obtain the right to vote until 1920. He also learned of lynching in the South, and of Rosa Parks, and all that. Okay, so his knowledge was limited but he knew there was a history there, a long history of being both black, and a woman. It wasn’t that Sandy was ashamed. No, she came from a proud race of people, but he didn’t blame her sometimes if it kept her up nights. Though her people came a long way since slavery and Jim Crow, there was still more challenges ahead, he knew that much, especially what with all that was going on in the news right now with Black Lives Matter and the Women’s March and such. It wasn’t over, and perhaps it never would be. Racism and misogyny still existed, even in the smallest ways. It wouldn’t end with abolishing slavery and the right to vote. It wouldn't even end with Black and White, because it was more than that. It reached all corners of the world. But he knew one thing: he wasn’t going to be part of the problem. He was white, and he was a man. But the world needed feminism. If anything, he would support Sandy in anything she felt was important enough to take a stand for. And he vowed to help her, by any means necessary, in changing a small corner of their world.  

‘’Look,’’ he said, after a long time, ‘’I...I say stupid things when I’m mad. I didn’t mean any of that, Sandy. I just...you kept beating on my manhood, and it just got me.’’

‘’I’m sorry, SpongeBob,’’ she said, turning to face him. Dark streaks from her tears had stained her face. ‘’I just didn’t want you to end up like me.’’

‘’Like you?’’

‘’A-runnin’ away all the time. I just wanted you to be strong, for the both of us.’’  

She didn’t need to say more. He took her in his arms and for once she let him hold her. Really hold her. They fell to the ground like that, both in each other’s arms, smelling of sweat, tears and blood. ‘’You are strong,’’ he whispered in her ear. ‘’Both body and spirit. You’re the strongest girl I know.’’  

‘’And you’re pretty strong, too.’’ She giggled. ‘’For a boy.’’

He laughed at her joke, then kissed her on the cheek. She seemed surprised at first, then she pecked him back, right below his ear, a little shyly at first. He smiled. ‘’Sandy, someday when this potential apocalypse is done, somehow, someway, our two worlds will be one.’’

She only laughed. ‘’What you ramblin’ ‘bout?’’

‘’Well, Sandy, can’t you see? We’re only a million worlds apart by country of origin, and the color of our skin. But...even though we’re different, we’re really not that different. I mean, if your parents can close the bridge between their worlds...why couldn’t we? And nothing else will matter because the rest of the world will fall away...and it’s just us. Only us. You and me. And color, or species, or gender, or whatever wouldn’t matter anymore, because it just disappears. I could learn to breathe on land and I can teach you how to breathe underwater. No matter what the world thinks. They can’t take away what we have...and we can be someone, more than what we are, more than what they say we are because we’re born this way and we can’t change it. Or can we? We can change it. What do you say, Sandy? ’’

‘’Oh, SpongeBob...’’ he saw that she was getting a little emotional and so he kissed her again, this time on her eyes. He wanted to kiss her on the lips but he knew she wouldn’t have it. It wasn’t in her nature to resort to mushy gushy necking, and that’s the way he liked her. Like a man. And sometimes she could be man enough for both of them.

     


Fin

For Black History Month. Late as usual.

 

This was supposed to be PatBob but it turned into Spandy. Q___Q

I have to admit this fic was kinda boring so I didn’t feel like finishing it but I felt bad if I didn’t.

Also, this is why SpongeBob was covered in black stuff in ‘’Ash and Water’’ and ‘’Wake Me Up When I’m Young’’.

 

Art belongs to :iconcrazycrazyloren: www.deviantart.com/art/sandy-c…

Fic belongs to me.

SpongeBob Musical belongs to Kyle Jarrow (who wrote the book).

SpongeBob © Nickelodeon.

© 2017 - 2024 RolfEddFan
Comments36
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EvilDogBum's avatar
Very well written.
I didn't have a uber hard-on for the preachy side, unlike most of the other commenters, but it was a nice touch for the story.