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SpongeBob- Truth, or Reality?

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Truth, or Reality?

Summary: SpongeBob invites his friends to play a game of ‘’Truth or Dare’’ at his house.
Rated: T for Teen; 13+
Characters: Squidward, SpongeBob, Patrick, Sandy
Pairing(s): None
Genre: Friendship
Word Count: 7, 280


‘’Have you ever noticed that when you’re swimming it seems like you’re standing still, but you’re really moving?’’ SpongeBob began. ‘’And when you’re on a plane, it seems like you’re going by so slow but actually you’re moving really fast?’’ Children made the strangest observations.

‘’What are you talking about?’’

‘’Fish might not notice water, and we might not notice time. But those are our realities,’’ SpongeBob explained. ‘’If we move fast, then time will move slower. So for a runner, the time is moving slower than someone who is walking.’’

Squidward only rubbed his temples in annoyance. ‘’What does this have to do with anything?’’

‘’Silly Squiddy, weren’t you listening?’’ He wasn’t. ‘’It’s all got to do with reality versus perception. That’s what Sandy calls it anyway. Cool idea, huh?’’

‘’I don’t need a kid to tell me all this.’’

‘’That’s just it,’’ the boy said as he sat up, ‘’I was at Sandy’s today and I observed a beetle trapped in a spider’s web. The beetle kept struggling to survive, but it couldn’t get out. Sometimes it would seem like the beetle would give up, but when the small black spider would come down from its hiding spot and try to attack it, the beetle would try even harder to break free, shaking the web. This dance would continue for hours. Sandy told me not to interfere but I ended up setting the beetle free. It was all very interesting when it came to life, one struggling to live. The beetle was maybe three times the size of the spider, and even a big thing like that would end up in a mess, and how we can be controlled by our environment, or manipulated, as in this case the web, and the spider, the controller. But there could be many other metaphors from this as well, life and death, struggle—‘’

Squidward sighed and draped his bony arms over his eyes, in a sore attempt to drown out SpongeBob’s nonsense. He stopped listening after awhile, because he couldn’t make sense of how this all logically connected together. This was not unusual for Spongebob. He had the tendency to jump from one topic to another, thus confusing the helpless listener who tried to follow along. ‘’SpongeBob, please,’’ he begged. ‘’Shut up, I can’t take it anymore.’’

‘’Sorry,’’ SpongeBob apologized. ‘’You’re having one of your migraines?’’ SpongeBob had witnessed Squidward’s deadly headaches on more than one account, so he recognized the signs almost immediately.

Squidward felt tempted to plug his ears. He didn’t know why he found himself lying on his back on this idiot’s bed to begin with. He had a rough day at work, having to deal with those bloody, chatty customers. The last thing he needed was SpongeBob chewing his ear off about philosophical questions he didn’t give a shit about, so he didn’t know what possessed him to let himself be dragged along like this. ‘’Make yourself useful and go find Sandy and Patrick,’’ he ordered. ‘’The sooner we can get this over with, the better.’’

‘’I think they went downstairs for refreshments.’’

‘’Well, they’ve been down there an awful long time. What are they doing, painting the Sistine chapel?’’ With that, Squidward slid off the bed, which caused his already throbbing head to pound unforgivably so. ‘’Never mind, I’ll fetch them myself.’’
 
‘’You look exhausted,’’ SpongeBob pointed out. No shit, Sherlock. ‘’Maybe you should lie down. I’ll go get them.’’

‘’I’ve been lying down,’’ Squidward snapped. ‘’I’ve been lying down for years, don’t make much difference now, does it? I’m fucking tired, all the time. I gotta get up now, otherwise I’ll fall asleep.’’

SpongeBob remained very quiet for a moment, then said, ‘’You didn’t have to come if you didn’t feel like it. I would’ve understood. I just hate seeing you lonely all the time, but if you’re tired, that can’t be helped. You can go home and rest, if you want.’’

No, he wasn’t getting rid of him that easy. ‘’Oh, come off it, I’m alright,’’ said Squidward. ‘’Besides, I’m tired of being stuck in the house on a Saturday night, even if it is your bloody house.’’ And with that, Squidward trudged downstairs, feeling the fatigue hitting him like a shower of stray bullets. Damn, he felt more tired walking around than he did lying on SpongeBob’s bed. What was the matter with him? Is that why he so begrudgingly accepted SpongeBob’s invitation? Was he sick to death of going to bed early on a weeknight like some elderly man in a retirement home? He was only 45 for crying out loud. He should have the energy of a bull. Hell, Mr. Krabs seemed to have more energy at his age, and he was 70! To make matters worse, it was only 8:00 PM and he felt like crashing. No, he would will himself to stay awake, stay up late playing with these stupid kids till at least 12:00 AM. He could prove he was still young. He wasn’t old! And he certainly would not be beaten out by some 70-year-old man. If Mr. Krabs could do it, then so could he.

He sauntered into the kitchen, expecting to find Patrick and Sandy, but it was empty. In fact, SpongeBob’s entire house seemed to be empty, and quiet. Too quiet. Maybe they had gone into the living room? But when Squidward checked, they weren’t there either. What the Hell? ‘Don’t tell me they went home and left me here all alone with that nuisance,’ Squidward thought, and truthfully he couldn’t blame them if they had, but sure enough, he heard a fit of laughter outside the front door. When he went to go look, Sandy and Patrick were chilling on the porch. Squidward just watched them for a moment, before stepping outside and making his presence known. ‘’Hate to interrupt you lovebirds, but SpongeBob and I been waiting for you upstairs for a hundred years,’’ he said, almost disinterested. He half hoped they had gone home, so he could have an excuse to retire for the evening.

‘’Oh, howdy, Squidward.’’ Sandy greeted him as she turned around. ‘’We’ll be up in a sec, I just needed some air is all.’’

He saw Patrick mouthing something to him over her shoulder but he couldn’t rightfully make out what it was. ‘’What?’’ he demanded.

‘’What?’’ Patrick echoed back. ‘’I didn’t say ‘hot flashes’.’’

Sandy turned to Patrick with a glare. ‘’I ain’t having none of that. Why is that when a girl needs some air, that automatically means she’s having PMS? I just needed some air. I’m a mammal, after all.’’

‘’Yeah, whatever,’’ Squidward declared. ‘’I’ll just tell SpongeBob the two of you are too busy having a romantic night out.’’ He turned to go back inside, closing the door behind him, which muffled an exchange of bickering, before heading back upstairs. When he did, he found SpongeBob sprawled out on the floor over a Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy comic. Did he ever do that at that age? No, Squidward reasoned, he was done reading comic books by the age of twelve. ‘’Sandy and Patrick are snogging on your porch,’’ Squidward said sarcastically in that same monotone, bored voice, ‘’Thought you ought to know. So I guess I’ll go home now.’’

‘’Shut up,’’ SpongeBob said as he looked up from his comic. Squidward looked taken aback for a moment, and was about to demand why the heck he told him to ‘shut up’, but then he remembered ‘shut up’ had a completely different meaning for today’s generation.

‘’See for yourself,’’ and Squidward pointed to the window. Of course, SpongeBob fell for it and rushed to see what Squidward was talking about. While he was distracted, Squidward saw the opportunity to escape. But as he exited SpongeBob’s bedroom, he was met with Sandy and Patrick coming up the stairs.

‘’Hey, Squidward,’’ he heard SpongeBob’s voice call from his room, ‘’I don’t see anything! They’re gone.’’

‘’We’re here!’’ Sandy shouted back.

‘’You weren’t leaving, were you?’’ Patrick asked, but before Squidward could answer, he felt the other grip his shirt collar and drag him back into the room. ‘’Hey look, we found Squidward!’’ Patrick beamed.

‘’Great, so I guess we can get started,’’ SpongeBob said gleefully.

Squidward had no idea what a bunch of young adults usually did on a Saturday night, but he didn’t want to stick around and find out. He thought about running for the bathroom, but Patrick still had a hold of him. He felt Patrick drag him down as he was forced to sit on the floor and form a circle with the rest of them, Sandy directly across from him, Patrick to his right, and SpongeBob next to Patrick. He wondered what game they would be playing until he saw Sandy take out an empty wine bottle she had been carrying in a satchel.

Squidward just scowled at the bottle. He knew exactly where this was going. By God, why did it have to be this game? He hadn’t played this game since he was sixteen, and it was an awful experience from what he remembered. It was at some summer camp his mother forced him to attend in order to ‘’make friends’’. ‘Gee, mama, you were wrong about that one, too.’ He remembered being crowded into a cabin with young, semi-naked, drunk individuals, five boys and four girls. They had gone night swimming before the game, and no one bothered to dress themselves fully. He was the only one who refused to take off his clothes, instead preferring to hide behind a baggy sweater even though the night air wasn’t cold. He was painfully shy, and didn’t have very many friends. He was always the weird, quiet kid who sat by himself at lunch, drawing pictures, so he was surprised the ‘’cool kids’’ invited him to play their game at all. Of course, he didn’t suspect foul play. And they weren’t particularly mean to him. They just tended to ignore him during most of the summer, so he didn’t know why he suddenly became visible enough to be noticed for ‘’Truth or Dare’’. Surely, there were plenty of other kids at the camp who could have participated. But no, they asked him. He recalled that he had a huge crush on one of the girls playing, and suffice to say, it didn’t end well. ‘’Erm, can’t we play something else?’’ Squidward suggested. ‘’Y’know...maybe cards? Charades or something?’’

‘’But we play ‘Truth or Dare’ every Saturday night,’’ SpongeBob clarified. ‘’It’s tradition.’’

‘’Yeah, man, can’t break tradition,’’ Patrick added. ‘’But now that we got four players this time, it’s gonna be extreme fun.’’

‘’Yay. I’m so excited, I can’t wait, I’m pissing myself with joy,’’ Squidward moaned.

‘’Oh, cheer up, Squiddy,’’ SpongeBob giggled as he reached across Patrick to pat Squidward on the knee. ‘’It’s not like anyone ever died played this game before.’’

‘I did,’ Squidward thought to himself, but wouldn’t dare admit this out loud.  

‘’So ya’ll know how to play this game, right?’’ Sandy asked. ‘’But for those who don’t, or who haven’t played it in twenty-some years,’’ she gave a knowing look towards Squidward, ‘’Here’re the rules: we take turns spinning the bottle. Whoever it lands on, we ask ‘em a simple ‘Truth or Dare’ question, to which the victim’s gotta choose. Once they choose which one, we challenge ‘em. That’s pretty much it.’’

‘’Aaaand the limitations,’’ SpongeBob prompted. ‘’We gotta have limitations.’’

‘’Right. The players have limited amounts of truths per player. Five each. And as far as dares go, nothing too raunchy. I ain’t counting on SpongeBob’s supply of condoms here, if ya catch my drift. Let’s keep it PG, people. Any questions before we start? Speak now, or forever hold your—’’

‘’Oooh ooh me me!’’ Patrick enthusiastically raised his hand. ‘’I have a question!’’

‘’What is it, Patrick?’’

‘’What’s PG stand for? Is that, like, ‘Party Game’, or something?’’

‘’No, it stands for ‘Pretty Gay’,’’ Squidward remarked. ‘’Now are we gonna waste anymore time, or is someone gonna spin sometime tonight?’’

‘’Alright, alright, don’t get your thong in a bunch, Mr. Tentacles,’’ Sandy puffed. ‘’So I’ll go first, Squidward second, then Patrick, then SpongeBob. Sound fair?’’

‘’Whatever,’’ Squidward said as he crossed his arms over his chest. He prayed to Neptune above that he could get through this night without murdering someone.

Without further delay, Sandy reached between the circle, and placed the bottle in the middle of the floor. They watched carefully as she spun the bottle. It went around and round until it slowed to a halt at none other than...Squidward. He frowned. Of course.

‘’Watch out, Squidward, she plays mean!’’ SpongeBob laughed. Thanks for the warning.

‘’Truth, or Dare?’’ she asked, not without a devilish smirk of her own.

Now, this question presented a lose-lose situation, because anyone knows that to be cool you have to choose ‘’Dare.’’ And if you do choose ‘’Truth’’ then you are punished for not choosing ‘’Dare’’ by being forced to answer the most scandalous question possible. The question, he knew, was likely to be whether he had French-kissed a boy. In his experience, he had been asked this question. If ‘’Yes,’’ he would be peppered with follow-up questions about every detail, which would require serious on-the-fly lying and brutal concentration. But ‘’No’’ would be even worse: he would be branded as ‘’un-cool’’ and ‘’un-frenchable’’. The choice was clear: choose Truth and tell the Truth, choose Truth and lie, or choose Dare. ‘’Dare, I suppose,’’ Squidward sighed. Truth was waaaay too complicated.

‘’So,’’ Sandy said with a mischievous eyebrow raise, ‘’I dare you to choose, out of the three of us, who you would hitch,’’ and here she dramatically paused, ‘’Screw,’’ another pause, ‘’Or murder.’’

‘’I think you mean ‘Marry, Fuck, or Kill’,’’ Patrick pointed out.

Sandy shrugged. ‘’Eh, same difference.’’

Squidward sighed again. This was the worst Dare imaginable. Maybe he should have gone with Truth after all. Twenty-nine years ago, the girl he liked had been dared this very challenge when it came to her turn. She happened to name him as the guy to kill. Back then, he was super sensitive (kind of like SpongeBob, he supposed) so as soon as she said his name, he stormed out of the cabin in a fit of rage. Of course, someone went after him, but it was in a dark forest in the middle of nowhere, with nothing but the sounds of sea bears lurking about, and he almost got lost. It was one of the scariest things that ever happened to him. Eventually, one of the boys convinced him to come back, but when he did, he never looked at that girl again. Sure, it was just a game, and maybe he took it too seriously, but all hopes of any possibility of her liking him back, all prospect of a summer romance, were dashed. After all, he didn’t know what he did to that girl to make her say she would kill him off. She never even spoke to him. Squidward felt like getting up and storming out right now. This game was so mindless. He swore he was losing brain cells every moment, but at least he didn’t have to think too hard on this one, especially since it was all for shits and giggles anyway. Without batting an eye, he said, ‘’Marry Patrick. Fuck Sandy. Kill SpongeBob. Er, no offense.’’ He braced himself, hoping SpongeBob wouldn’t have the same reaction as his sixteen-year-old self. He knew how sensitive SpongeBob was. Bloody hell, maybe he should have thought this over a little more. Maybe he should have switched up the choices. Well, he certainly didn’t want to fuck Patrick, that was out of the question. Maybe he should have killed him instead. But he wanted to kill SpongeBob more, even if it meant having to marry Patrick. He didn’t want to marry SpongeBob either, he was too impossible to live with as it was. And he certainly didn’t want to fuck him. Maybe he should have married Sandy, fucked SpongeBob, and killed Patrick, but honestly, neither option sounded all too appealing. If he had a choice, he’d marry, fuck and kill Sandy straight across, as she was the least annoying of the three of them. Was he even allowed to do that?

Much to his relief, Sandy and SpongeBob burst into laughter and fell on top of each other while doing so. Apparently, this happened before at some other party, and they expected this answer. Squidward failed to see the humour in all this. Patrick, on the other hand, remained very thoughtful, or at least he looked that way. With his dopey expression, it was hard to tell. ‘’Why would you marry me?’’ Patricked asked.

‘’If I answered that question, wouldn’t that technically be breaking the rules? I chose Dare, not Truth.’’

‘’Yeah, but, I’m not asking you to tell me the Truth, I’m just...curious,’’ Patrick shrugged.

‘’I don’t know, Patrick,’’ Squidward threw up his hands, ‘’It’s just a stupid game, alright? I mean honestly, I’d kill both you and SpongeBob, but since I can only kill one, I’d kill him first, marry you, then probably file for divorce the very next day, or murder you on our wedding night. I’m not taking any of this seriously, and neither should you!’’ For some reason, this caused Sandy and SpongeBob to laugh even harder.

‘’I was just askin’, sheesh,’’ and Patrick indicated the bottle. ‘’Uh, who’s turn is it?’’

‘’Think it’s Squidward’s,’’ SpongeBob said between chuckles, as he wiped away tears.

Once Sandy and SpongeBob managed to compose themselves, Squidward spun the bottle. He hoped it wouldn’t land on Sandy. Not that he had any reason to exact revenge on her for her challenge, but he didn’t want to feel like his spin was biased. His prayers were answered, when it landed on SpongeBob instead. Great. Not exactly a blessing, but oh well. He’d bite.

‘’Oooooooh,’’ Sandy and Patrick chimed together.

‘’Oh, grow up, you two,’’ Squidward instructed, before turning to SpongeBob, who just smiled at him, waiting for the question. ‘’Well, SpongeBob, you know what to do.’’

‘’Okay, um...’’ he chewed his lower lip, deciding on his fate for a moment before he said, ‘’Truth.’’

Squidward just blinked. No one chose ‘’Truth’’. And he was hoping he wouldn’t say that. He was a fool if he was trying to look ‘’brave’’. Choosing ‘’Truth’’ was just stupid. Again, he was brought back to that fateful night, when he, himself, had been challenged with ‘’Truth,’’ when he was too ignorant to know it was ‘’un-cool’’. And the question was, ‘’Where do you see yourself in twenty years?’’ Squidward bit on his tongue. Damn it all, he didn’t mean to think that out loud, but before he could take it back, it was too late. He watched SpongeBob purse his lips, that same look he always got when deep in contemplation. When Squidward answered the very same question twenty-nine years ago, he said he could see himself on Broadway, or at least a successful artist with his own gallery. Squidward had to laugh now. How stupid and naive he was. In reality, he ended up working at the Krusty Krab at 36, the dream slipping further and further away as the years wore on. He couldn’t begin to imagine what SpongeBob would say.

‘’In twenty years,’’ SpongeBob finally replied, ‘’I’ll be your age. I always kinda wanted to be like Squidward, so yeah. When I’m 45, I’m gonna be just that. I’m gonna be Squidward. I’m gonna work my ass off, take pleasure in the more sophisticated things life has to offer, like sitting at home on my day’s off with a good book, and I’ll be graceful and dignified, and wise beyond my years. And maybe there’ll be a nice twenty-something kid-next-door that’ll look up to me, the same way I look up to Squidward.’’

The room was quiet for a moment, before Patrick let out a slow clap. ‘’Nice one, buddy,’’ he complimented.

Squidward just stared at SpongeBob, utterly dumbfounded. In truth, he fought the urge to punch that smile off his face. No, no, no,  he didn’t want to be like Squidward. He didn’t want to be so drained of energy that it was a struggle just to get out of bed every day. He didn’t want to face the never-ending disappointment in himself that he couldn’t be more than what he was. He didn’t want to be so lonely and empty that he cried himself to sleep each night with nothing but painful memories to keep him company. Most of all, he didn’t want to be tortured by someone so full of life, that it was a severe reminder of the youth and happiness he lost, a reminder that he was the dead among the living. Squidward couldn’t blame him, he supposed. When he was 16, he was stupidly optimistic of what the future held, too. He had to pity the misguided fool. ‘The poor bloke,’ he thought. ‘He hasn’t a clue.’

‘’Well,’’ Squidward said, turning to Patrick. ‘’Your turn.’’

Patrick did as he was told and spun. The bottle landed on Sandy. Now it was SpongeBob and Squidward who let out an ‘’Ooooooh.’’ Squidward didn’t know why he joined in, but he had to admit, the whole situation was bleeding hilarious, especially with how he found them laughing together at Neptune-knows-what on the porch earlier. Who knows? Maybe this would be Patrick’s opportunity to ask her if she really was having hot flashes. Okay, that was lame, but seriously, Squidward was starting to sort of feel like a kid all over again. Maybe there was more to this game after all.

‘’Oh, grow up, you two,’’ Sandy echoed Squidward from earlier, then waved a hand at Patrick. ‘’Go on and ask me then.’’

‘’Truth, or Dare?’’

Sandy just smiled. ‘’You know me. I always like a good dare.’’

Patrick smiled in return. ‘’Then I dare you, Sandra Jennifer Cheeks, to...um...’’ He looked around the room, searching for a naughty idea, when his eyes suddenly rested on SpongeBob. ‘’To kiss....um...’’ But at the last minute, he looked at Squidward and blurted out, ‘’Well, since he wanted to fuck you, I dare you to kiss Squidward Q. Tentacles! Sorry, I don’t know what the ‘Q’ stands for.’’

Squidward’s little bit of fun was suddenly crushed into dust. ‘’Oh, come on,’’ he pleaded. ‘’Why don’t you make her kiss SpongeBob? He’s asking for it!’’

‘’Now, now, Squidward,’’ Sandy teased, ‘’It’s Patrick’s dare. He makes the rules.’’ As she came crawling towards him on her hands and knees, he instinctively backed away. Again, he was plagued by a bad memory of the time he was dared to kiss a girl who had previously been dared to lick a toilet seat. It was the least pleasant kiss he ever had.

‘’Stay back,’’ he said. ‘’I mean it...I, uh...’’ And he tried to come up with some lame excuse to get out of it. ‘’I didn’t want to bugger you for real, I just said that, you know. I think you’re repulsively ugly!’’

‘’Uh huh,’’ she rolled her eyes.

‘’I-I had garlic for lunch!’’

‘’And I had a rotten cantaloupe. I’m sure there’s no germs swimming in your mouth that can even come close,’’ she said as she continued to come nearer.

‘’Play nice, Sandy,’’ SpongeBob cautioned. ‘’I think you’re scaring him.’’

‘’Oh, he’ll live,’’ she said, and finally grabbed him, pulling him into a kiss. He tried to close his mouth, but it was too late. He felt her slobbering all over his face, as though she were trying to eat him, and then he felt her try to expertly slip him the tongue. He pulled back and cried out, ‘’What the blazing Hell, woman?’’ while wiping her saliva from his face. Purple lipstick smears came off on his arm instead, causing SpongeBob and Patrick to howl like hyenas.

Sandy only shrugged, not bothering to wipe away her smeared lipstick. ‘’Didn’t know you were such a stick in the mud. What are you, some kissless virgin?’’

‘’And what are you?’’ Squidward shot back. ‘’Some rocky mountain savage? You kiss like a grizzly bear! And why does my mouth taste like nuts?’’

‘’Oops,’’ Sandy snickered. ‘’I guess it wasn’t cantaloupe after all.’’

‘’Whatever,’’ and he angrily turned to SpongeBob who was rolling on the floor with laughter. ‘’Well, spin, dammit!’’

‘’Squidward, chill out, dude it’s just a game!’’ Patrick tried to reason.

Oh, sure. To them it was just a game, but they had no idea what he had to go through. And the humiliation. Worse of all, he was so young and carefree back then. He wasn’t tired all the time. And he did have fun. He wanted so much to just let loose and have fun. Be a kid all over again with no worries in the world. Why couldn’t they see that? Why couldn’t they understand that someday they would be old and miserable, and this game would be a bad dream? But then suddenly, he remembered what SpongeBob had told him earlier, about reality versus perception. He didn’t think he had been listening, but he was suddenly reminded of those words. What did he say again? That when you’re swimming, it seems as though you’re standing still, even though you’re really moving? That time moves in the very same way, that it moves so slow, that you just don’t notice? And maybe that’s why he was so much happier twenty-nine years ago. He just didn’t notice. And how could he? Maybe that’s all it was. Life was like a plane ride. It didn’t seem to move at all. And before you know it, you reach your destination, and...what was that bit about the spider and the beetle? Something about life, and death, and struggle? Squidward shook his head. ‘Nonsense,’ he thought. ‘It’s all nonsense.’ He let out a sigh, feeling more calm now, and took his place in the circle.

SpongeBob waited for everyone to settle down before he took his turn. He eagerly watched the bottle spiral around, until it stopped before Patrick. ‘’Okay, Patrick, Truth or Dare,’’ he chuckled.

‘’Dare,’’ Patrick responded, without a moment’s hesitation.

SpongeBob raised an eyebrow. ‘’You sure?’’

‘’Uhh...I don’t know...’’ Patrick furrowed his brow in confusion.

‘’Then I dare you to—‘’

‘’Wait!’’ Patrick stopped him. ‘’I changed my mind. Truth!’’

‘’Is that your final answer?’’ SpongeBob laughed.

Patrick began to sweat a little as he struggled to make a decision. ‘’Wait...I dunno, this question’s too hard.’’

Squidward was growing increasingly irritated watching this exchange unfold like some ping-pong match that would never end. ‘’Oh, stop confusing him, and just let him choose what he wants,’’ Squidward cut in. He couldn’t stand the way SpongeBob played with Patrick’s stupidity, although he meant no harm. Still, it wasn’t right to take advantage of a simpleton. He didn’t know any better.

‘’Alright,’’ SpongeBob agreed. ‘’Patrick, it’s your call, buddy.’’

‘’Uh, Dare...I guess.’’ That’s it, Patrick. Play it cool.

SpongeBob grinned from ear to ear. ‘’I dare you to go into your kitchen and rearrange everything in the food pantry... in alphabetical order.’’ They waited for SpongeBob to deliver the catch, but apparently, he had nothing more to add. That was it? What a lame dare. On the contrary, Patrick reacted as though the world was ending.

‘’All of it?’’ he asked.

‘’All of it.’’

Patrick looked like he would melt into a puddle right there and then. It was at that point he probably realized that any kissing question was better than this. ‘’I can’t do it,’’ he said.

‘’Then do you choose Truth?’’

This is how the game always goes. You just can’t win. Patrick swallowed hard, then nodded. ‘’Yeah. Truth.’’

Squidward didn’t know why, but he felt a little sorry for Patrick. There was always going to be one in the group who got the short end of the stick. But maybe SpongeBob would go easy on him. They were best friends, after all, so SpongeBob couldn’t possibly ask him anything he knew would upset him.  

SpongeBob considered for a moment, before asking, ‘’Do you think you’ll get married someday?’’

Patrick just blushed and stuttered, ‘’I-I guess...I mean...I don’t think I’d find anyone...special enough...but...sure...I guess...maybe it’d be nice...but...I don’t know...there’s not too many people that I...well...’’ Squidward found himself studying Patrick as his face grew redder by the second. He was visibly embarrassed by the question. Kids these days, even twenty-somethings, were always thinking of getting married and having kids of their own someday. Settling down, if you will. Becoming their parents. It was weird and scary. Squidward knew right off the bat that at Patrick’s age, he wasn’t going to get married. ‘’Oh, you’ll change your mind,’’ they said. Look at him now. Still a swinging bachelor. Sure, Squidward had to admit there were times he considered himself a hopeless romantic. But he was pretty set in his ways. He didn’t want to end up like his parents, not at all.

SpongeBob could see that the ‘’Truth’’ was making Patrick feel a tad uncomfortable, and so he reached for his friend, squeezing his hand. ‘’It’s okay, Patrick,’’ SpongeBob reassured. ‘’You don’t have to say more than that.’’

Sandy decided that now was the opportunity to take her turn once more, and she spun the bottle. It landed on Patrick again, by all strange accounts. Patrick hadn’t fully recovered from his prior awkwardness and stood abruptly to excuse himself. ‘’Um, sorry, I gotta get...some air...uh, it’s not like, I’m having hot flashes, by the way,’’ and he left the three of them alone.

‘’Er, I can take his turn for him,’’ SpongeBob said.

‘’Fine by me,’’ Sandy nodded. ‘’Truth or Dare?’’

‘’Dare.’’

Squidward stopped paying attention after that. He quickly realized that he was far too old and far too pessimistic for this sort of thing. He kept thinking about why Patrick acted so strangely to a simple question, but then he remembered how delicate he had been when he was young. Sure, SpongeBob didn’t mean to embarrass his friend, his intentions were purely innocent. He couldn’t have known how nervous Patrick would get. Hell, if he had been Patrick, he probably would have run out of the room, too. He had, actually, only on someone else’s turn. Maybe now it wasn’t just a game? Sure, the fun of the game was to ask each other silly questions, and no one would tell if you were being completely honest or not if you hid it well enough, so you could answer however you pleased, but some questions might run on a more personal level, triggering something that shouldn’t be triggered. Squidward had no idea that he was actually putting his own future on the line, and when he couldn’t live up to those expectations that he set for himself in a game twenty-nine years later, he began to despise the game, as though it was the game’s fault. Well, he had to blame something.

Laughter interrupted his thoughts and he looked up to find SpongeBob standing on his head, and trying, but failing, to touch his nose with the tip of his tongue while singing the alphabet backwards. ‘’C’mon, you’re pathetic!’’ Sandy cried.

‘’Z, Y, X, W, V, uh...S...oh shit,’’ SpongeBob faltered, then started again. ‘’Z, Y, X, W, V...U...’’ he almost got his tongue to his chin, but not quite. ‘’Where was I? U, T, S, R...um...’’

‘’Keep going,’’ Sandy encouraged. Alas, he got all the way up to ‘M’, before he had to start over again. Squidward just continued to observe them. He didn’t know why they invited him to begin with. He always felt a tad out of place hanging out with a bunch of kids. Was watching them supposed to remind him of his youth and make him feel younger? Because in truth, he felt more tired and old just watching them. He just couldn’t keep up. And though they often protested that he wasn’t old, that wasn’t the point. He felt his age, maybe older.  

‘’What’d I miss?’’ Patrick said as he returned, and took a seat beside Squidward.

‘’Not much,’’ Squidward admitted. After fifteen more seconds, SpongeBob could stand on his head no longer and gave up. But at least he finally managed to touch his nose with his tongue, even though he couldn’t sing the entire alphabet backwards.

‘’Don’t tell me I made that look easy,’’ SpongeBob laughed, and held his head between his hands, which was no doubt spinning. ‘’That was hard!’’

Squidward remembered it was his turn and reluctantly spun the bottle. Last round, then he would go home. He was sick of this game. The bottle, for a third time, favoured Patrick. He hoped Patrick would want to skip his turn again, but he looked eagerly at Squidward, and so Squidward had to ask the same old question, although he didn’t really ask, he groaned, ‘’Truth, or Dare?’’

‘’Dare, this time.’’ Did Patrick learn nothing?

Squidward pouted. ‘’I dare you to skip your turn.’’ Then he stood and announced, ‘’I’m going home. Thanks but no thanks. ‘Night.’’

‘’Oh, c’mon, Squidward, you can’t quit now!’’ they whined. ‘’It’s only 10:00!’’

‘’Yeah, exactly, normal people are in bed at this hour. I’m out,’’ and he made his way to the door.

‘’At least dare me before you leave,’’ Patrick pointed out. ‘’That’s not really fair, y’know.’’

Squidward rolled his eyes and turned back towards the group. ‘’Fine.’’ And he made direct eye contact with Patrick, hoping he would cower. ‘’I dare you, Patrick Star, to name your first child after the person to your right. There, happy now?’’

Patrick just blinked. ‘’That...wasn’t even a dare. That was just stupid.’’

‘’You’re stupid, and I’m going home, now.’’

As he opened the door to step outside, he heard the bottle being spun on the floor, and Patrick’s voice saying, ‘’What do you know? You’re it, again, Squidward. Truth, or Dare?’’

‘’How can that be?’’ Squidward demanded as he spun around again. ‘’I’m not even in the circle!’’ But sure enough, the neck of the bottle was pointing directly at him.

‘’Truth, or Dare?’’ Patrick asked again.

‘’I’m done!’’

‘’I’ll let you go home if you answer.’’

‘’Fine. Truth.’’ He didn't have time for silly dares.

‘’How many children would you have?’’

‘’Oh for crying out loud,’’ Squidward said, slamming the bedroom door closed. ‘’Honestly, Patrick. Look at me. I’m fucking 45, do you think I’d be having kids at this age? I don’t need kids! I got the three of you dunderheads, and you’re a handful as it is!’’

The three of them just looked at him in stunned silence, not sure whether to laugh or cry. Finally, Sandy said, ‘’It’s just a game. Don’t have to get so pissy. But since you answered, you’re free to go.’’ The three remaining players turned back to each other and waited for SpongeBob to spin the bottle. Squidward was about to turn out for yet a third time when he heard Sandy go, ‘’Oh…well, I guess you can spin again since Squidward’s not playing anymore.’’ Squidward glanced over his shoulder and saw the bottle pointing at him again. Was the thing cursed?

SpongeBob began to reach for the bottle again when Squidward stopped him. ‘’No,’’ he said. ‘’Just ask me again, and I’ll be on my way.’’ Why Squidward wanted to continue playing, even after all that, he had no idea. But something about the way the bottle kept stopping at him made him all the more curious.

SpongeBob just looked at him for a moment before he said, ‘’Truth, or Dare?’’

‘’Truth.’’

‘’Do you hate this game?’’

‘’Yes,’’ Squidward admitted. ‘’Yes, I loathe it. I despise it. It’s supposed to make me feel young? What a laugh. I just feel old playing it. I feel old, and behind the times, and…and I don’t know why I came. It just brings back bad memories.’’

He watched as SpongeBob spun the bottle again, and unsurprisingly, it pointed at Squidward. ‘’Truth, or Dare?’’

‘’Truth.’’

‘’Why did you come then?’’

‘’I don’t know,’’ Squidward sighed. ‘’I just wanted to feel a part of something. Y’know, join the world of the living! Geez, I live my life dying. The three of you get to have fun. But where’s my fun? It’s just a game to you…but to me…it’s more than that. I answered things about myself…twenty-nine years ago…that didn’t turn out to be true. And I…well, it hurts, SpongeBob. It hurts. And to see you all laughing…and having fun…but I can’t do that anymore. Because I know what’s ahead. And you don’t. You have no idea.’’

Again, SpongeBob took another turn on the bottle, and again, it landed on Squidward. He didn’t even ask this time. Instead he just blurted out, ‘’Even if you didn’t know what was ahead, would you regret it? Would you regret playing this game when you were 16?’’

‘’SpongeBob,’’ Sandy said, putting a hand on his shoulder. ‘’He only gets five ‘Truths’ and he’s answered three already. Just let him go home.’’

But SpongeBob wouldn’t stop staring Squidward down until he answered. Squidward just swallowed back a lump in his throat. ‘’I guess not. I guess I don’t regret it.’’

‘’Why?’’

‘’Because…because now I know things about myself then, I didn’t know before. Sometimes I wish…even then that I could see the future. Maybe I would have answered differently. Maybe I would have done things I wouldn’t have done now. But I guess no one can see the future, can they?’’

SpongeBob was about to spin the bottle yet again, but there was no use for it now. Instead, he just asked, ‘’Reality is truth. Reality, however, is not always known.’’

‘’Or noticed,’’ Squidward pointed out. ‘’While it’s true that everyone perceives reality differently, reality could care less about our perceptions.’’

‘’So when you’re asked ‘Truth’, is truth reality, or is reality truth?’’

‘’I don’t know how to answer that,’’ Squidward whimpered. ‘’Because…it’s just a struggle. Like that…story you told me…about the spider and the beetle. I didn’t know what it meant…but now I guess it makes sense. The problem arises…when people…stubborn people like me…refuse to accept the reality…like that beetle. He wouldn’t accept his fate. He kept fighting. And you saved him…but like Sandy said, maybe you shouldn’t have. Because then how…how does life continue if we’re always interfering? It can’t be created or altered. It is what it is. We can’t always be delivered from it, because we have to discover it.’’ Squidward didn’t even know what he was talking about anymore. But something about the way SpongeBob looked at him with unwavering strength in his eyes caused him to burst into tears. ‘’Actions have consequences,’’ he cried, ‘’And I ignored it for so long. Because the truth is harsh, and I didn’t want to feel the pain anymore. I’d like to have fun like you guys…I’d like to play again like a child… I wish my little self-delusive world wouldn’t be upset by such a trivial matter as truth.  I don’t want to worry about the consequences I may have to deal with tomorrow; I just want to feel good today. Like all of you. It’s not fair...because I perceived my life so differently...and this is the reality...and it’s not what I imagined it to be.  Twenty-nine years ago, I assumed I’d be happy today. I didn’t know I was deceiving myself...I didn’t know...anything...’’ He could speak no more because his tears had choked him up. He didn’t care if they were watching him anymore. He felt like a 16-year-old all over again and buried his face in his hands, and wept and wept.

It wasn’t long before he felt warm arms wrap around him. It took him a moment to realize there were six arms around him. Six, of all different shapes and sizes. When he finally opened his eyes, he found himself in the embrace of his friends, or at least the only people who considered themselves to be his friends. And they were all crying with him. They probably didn’t even know why. They probably didn’t even comprehend his nonsensical ramblings, but their hearts went out to him. They empathized. For some reason, they wanted to suffer with him. Why would a bunch of people with their whole lives ahead of them care about the existential crisis of a middle-aged man? But maybe it didn’t matter. Maybe that’s why they asked him to play with them. They just wanted him to be with them, in the same way they were with him now. And he was too preoccupied with wallowing in self pity of better days that he failed to realize that. Again, he just didn’t notice. So maybe his life didn’t turn out the way he planned. But at least now he had friends who cared enough. He couldn’t say that when was he was 16. Back then, he had no friends, so was he really happier after all? Maybe he got this whole reality versus perception mixed up. It wasn’t the principal of reality versus perception. It was reality versus the perception of reality. Twenty-nine years ago, he perceived his life to be happier, despite the reality that he was alone. Twenty-nine years later, he perceived his life to be awful, despite the reality that he had friends. Damn it all, he perceived wrong. He could have been happy this whole time. But much like swimming, he just didn’t notice, because much like time, it seemed to move too slow, when in reality, it was passing by all along. And he refused to accept it. He refused to get caught in that spider’s web.

He was accepting it now. Because now he was trapped in the embrace of a six-armed monster, and he didn’t want it to let go. The beetle couldn’t accept death. That was fine. Who does? But the web was his reality. And this was Squidward’s reality. He had been deluding himself this whole time. Trying to make it through life without a solid grasp of reality is like stumbling around in a dark room laden with land mines. He didn’t want to be like that.  Maybe it was time to question everything and be willing to give up cherished notions, even if it meant suffering discomfort. But as long as he could still have friends, wouldn’t his life be a little more fulfilling if he could admit responsibility for his poor life choices? At least he would be satisfied, if not entirely happy. Slowly, he lifted his arms and willed himself to return the embrace of his friends. They all seemed to stop crying, and so did he. No words were needed. A silent understanding seemed to pass between them. They decided to stop playing the game, and they didn’t need to ask questions. Around 11:30 that same night, they all sat down in SpongeBob’s living room to watch a movie instead, and Squidward could safely say he finally felt content. He felt content to just be with them, and maybe that’s all he needed. Maybe they didn’t completely understand all that life threw at him, and maybe they’d find out someday. But as long as they could all keep an open mind of what was to come, they would have the courage to accept it. The one thing that will never be affected by our respective views of reality is reality itself. And the reality was that they were together, right now, at this very moment, and so nothing else mattered.



Fin

‘’My mouth tastes like nuts’’ was based on this picture: superhotbeam.tumblr.com/post/1…

Fic belongs to me.

SpongeBob Musical belongs to Kyle Jarrow (who wrote the book).

SpongeBob © Nickelodeon.

© 2017 - 2024 RolfEddFan
Comments7
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Sarahfina-Rose's avatar
Your characterisation and backstory for Squidward has always been intriguing, how he's always stuck in the past, how watching SpongeBob and co. reminds him of his youth. Good job!